Why my mom always said I’d make a terrible vet….
When I was little(r), there were three things that I wanted to be when I grew up, well, 4 if you count ‘brain surgeon’ but that was only because Doug P. said he wanted to be one and it sounded really cool. I mean operating on brains to a 5th grader sounds extremely awesome (ok, well, I was a little odd… ). Besides the ‘brain surgeon’ there was, 1) a Pirate or Detective (these 2 were interchangeable in my mind), 2) a smurf or, 3) a vet. There was certainly a lacking in pirate occupations, at that time, but it did have the possibility of being a lucrative position, the dress code was cool (minus the peg leg), and I would never have to brush my teeth! Perfect! However, I was informed, by my mother, that this wasn’t something they offered at college. College is like this ‘holy grail’ we hold over our children… get straight ‘As’ and you can go to….. COLLEGE. Yeah, what they neglect to tell you is that you will continue to do basically the same thing you’ve been doing (and hating) for the past 17 years. Plus, they don’t tell you that even if you do a half-assed job of it… you can still go to college. However, do not tell this to my own children as I’m following in my mother’s footsteps and using the “holy grail” script (although, I myself did not finish college and am doing just fine). “But you could be doing better…” she would say.
My mother. Mother. Does not like me to speak about her in any way or fashion, so after you read this you will need to delete this blog post from your memory or… ummm… I don’t know… aliens will probe your bum. Hmm… seriously, why in the world, would an alien probe the ‘bum’ area, sorry, “anal probing” is the correct term, I believe. Why would they go to that particular orifice? And, have you seen their fingers? 3 long… barely functioning fingers (according to some movie directors). I hardly believe they can do much with those. Perhaps they are trying to light us up (from the bum) like a light-bulb… or, maybe a firefly! Fireflies are pretty. Who knows… in either case, do not speak of this blog to my mother or bum probing might be the least of your worries, it will definitely be the least of mine.
I have always loved animals. Always. Always. And, almost equally always been terrified of them. Cats… yikes, very scary with their long claws and their sneaky way of acting like they love it when you rub their belly just so they can latch on to your hand with those dagger-like claws and then bite you. Yeah, those animals are very scary. But, if I was a vet, I was positive, I would suddenly possess the power of someone like ‘the dog whisperer’ and all animals would love me. Ok, yeah, you are correct, in my mind it was more like Cinderella or Snow White, but, either way, I was sure animals would love me. Now dogs, were equally terrifying to me with their big teeth. Our neighbor had Dobermans and they would chase us and eat the bunnies in our yard (no amount of resuscitation would bring them back). We had a number of dogs growing up, my least favorite, was Max. My parents had gone to get a dog from this breeder of some fluffy kind of dog and realized they couldn’t afford the puppies, but, were then introduced to this reject dog that they couldn’t give away. Sold! Max, I’m fairly certain had some impairment. Whatever he shouldn’t be doing… he did. He would run into traffic and he would also only poop a little so he could then run around and smear it on anything and everything. I never knew what to do with Max, but, at least he never bit me… so maybe that makes him my favorite. Anyway. Rabbits were surely different creatures from cats and dogs… umm… no. I got a rabbit as a gift when I was in highschool. His name was ‘Foopy’ and he was the meanest rabbit I’ve ever seen. He would chase me and bite my legs and feet and bark at me… I didn’t even know something so cute and fluffy could act so evil. Birds…. no they peck at you. Fish… does anyone actually bring a fish to the vet?? More like a ceremonious trip down the mouth of the porcelain god.
My mother would mention my fear of animals to give me pause when considering a career choice, at the old age of 10. But then, she threw me a lifeline! Some vets only work on farm animals and visit them at their homes! Oh yes!! I could definitely do that!! However…. horses are awfully big with big snuffly nostrils and, yep, big teeth. Cows… they looked slow but I was certain that they were hiding behind some kind of rouse. Geese? nope, been chased and bit by one of them too and that (expletive) hurts! I’d also made the terrible mistake, around this very same time, of watching “Wild Kingdom”. We only got 3 channels where I lived and that show was on Sundays, after the Disney movie, and really the highlight of my television viewing. That nights episode was about the savannah. It showed lions laying around, as usual, while their women did all the work. It showed some antelope and then, zebras. It wasn’t just any episode about zebras…. it was about mating zebras. Here is where my desire to become a vet died suddenly and thoroughly (even though I knew a zebra would never come to the office). I sat there… feeling as if I was watching a porn movie. The male zebras… ahem… private part was so large that it nearly touched the ground…. many many (MANY) years later, I still cannot erase that memory from my brain. So, at that moment in my life (of 10 years) I decided to become a nun because I was pretty positive that being a smurf wasn’t an option.
*Being a nun didn’t really work out either…. I look terrible in black.
**I should add that I did overcome my fear of dogs and cats… as I now have a zoo for a family. Dogs, cat, tortoise, frogs… and a partridge in a pear tree.